how i wish life was easier. how i wish life was simpler. how i wish life was meaningful. how i wish life was my own instead of someone else's.

so many days i waste, so many happy times i should have gotten to replace that bad ones. i just look myself in the mirror and ask what did i do wrong? what did i do to deserve this life i have right now. bouncing on and off this 'girl' when i can be just free. live life and enjoy the sweet smell of freedom and the morning mist.

i still dont know why. even though i ask myself that question every day. i guess im a sucker for her. everything she does just draws me closer and closer to her. it makes me want to indulge in such beauty and self confidence. sigh ... and yet again, he falls for her.

rick.

it hurts when you do it straight to my face.

you know how i feel about you.

you know im still that much in love with you no matter who your boyfriend is.

beep beep ... wrong. i need a break from all of this. i want to go to singapore.

rick.

when ever a problem accur, i will definately run away. i just dont know why. i run, run as far as i can. just to get away from it and forget about it. i wish i had a place where i can go and reflect and think about the things i have done, but i dont. the only place i can think about is the park right outside pikky's house. sitting at the bench and just feel emotionless. it is like a place where everything gets forgotten yet everything that reminds me of whatever it is, is so near.

after talking to a long lost friend that i havent met in quite awhile, it really shows how cowardly i am. just running away everytime something bad happens. i regret doing so.

only God can judge me. only i can be who i am.

rick.

sigh ... what a day what a day.

baked a cake for sy, had fun with close friends and fell in love with my ex 'again'. is that wrong? i dont know.

but i dont know why i coudnt handle it today. times like this i would just drive anywhere i can but i cant. im stuck here with work. so fuck it.

my love life isnt going so smoothly as assumed but hey, there are always ups and downs in a relationship right? but just to tell you, this one just goes down down down. everything i do seems to be wrong and flaws in me just keep popping out and she just keeps on going on and on about it. sometimes i really hate being who i am. what ive been through. who i gotten to know. what happened in the past. but what can i do but just stand strong and continue to persue what i want in life ... which is that 'particular girl' and a successful life in the culinary line.

sigh ... i fucking miss you.

rick.

no its not ok anymore.

she is killing me with her little this and thats. i cant take it anymore. i just cant.

drinking myself to sleep probably would work now. so thats what im doing. while doing that, im reading what i wrote before in my so called "book" or journal. also reading previous post i posted on lj, my previous blog place.

confused i am. i hate being this way and yet i somehow make myself feel this way. can i please go now, directly where i am suppose to go in the after life. please.

thoughts of you keep running through my head. it is like a film that would just repeat itself. over and over again. that is how much i miss you.

its cold. i just want someone to talk to right now.

rick.

ever feel that you're constantly being attacked. and that you end up in a corner, without no way out?

things are so confusing atm. things are just fine, but still it feels like something is missing.

arent i happy? arent i happy enough?

it doesnt make sense. it doesnt make any sense.

i want to be unhappy. is that a sin?
yet when im unhappy i want to be happier.

everything is so rocky right now.
i cant be happy anymore,
enough said.

i can fake it, that should be enough. right?

if i could i would and i should just rip my heart out,
i dont deserve it.

rick.

ahhhh ... my clubbing session was not bad today. went with my friends from bakerzin.

but there was drama. i couldnt go in. so yeah, had to do some cock stunt outside to get in and then there was a fight inside with all the niggers on the dance floor. so yeah. macam tu saja la.

dance dance dance. get to dance with this not so bad looking malay girl that was dressed almost to kill but yea, not bad. didnt want to get her phone number though. if i was single i would. hehe so yeah. commitment!!

im off to bed then.

rick.

got my tattoo done today. my first and it was a painful experience. it totally hurts but the end product was fantastic. i fucking love it!

rick.

i dont know what to say anymore but im confirmed to get a tattoo this wednesday.

we'll see how it goes from there. pictures of it soon i hope.

rick.

ok ... so i dont really know what is going on anymore but trust me when i say this, i enjoyed every single moment of it.

i just want it to be how it was. it felt so good just being ... touched. i swear to god, everything else didnt matter at that time, nothing at all.

but fantasies aside, reality always checks you back in. i was wrong.

all i can do is have faith which i never believed in until recently.
the scientist from coldplay is fantastic to listen to now.

i really miss that. honestly from the bottom of my heart. it keeps replaying in my head over and over again. sigh.
rick.

*edit
calling sookie earlier didnt even help at all. i dont know. when i call her, i get to excited but its just the things that she talks about. i just dont get it. eventhough she is a year older, doesnt mean she is mentally mature as well now does it? i just cant take it anymore.
seriously, there are too many things going on in my head now. ALOT of things.
especially "that".

i miss you.

sigh ... endless problems with everything.

i dont think i can take it anymore. pik, sy, lester and i actually sat at tea time from 11pm - 6am. thats 7 hours! so yeah. work at 12 later. sigh. but it was nice just talking random things. like how scared both pikky and i will be when we leave malaysia to australia. to be honest, id be scared as hell. sigh, anyone would be when they leave their comfort zone but i have to deal with it eventually no? so yeah. it will soon come.

nothing else but work.

rick.

even my ex girl friend can make me laugh and smile, why cant my current girl friend do the same?

somehow i just love how jac and easily turn a dull moment to the happiest moment. sigh ... why did i ever let her go.

rick.

nothing much today. quarreled with sookie. went to the new uptown pasar malam. bought 2 shorts and a shirt. played basketball and now im home.

rick.

sookie came over in the morning before i went to work. its nice just spending some time with her when i can.

work was work so yeah, nothing much today. just another slowday BUT it was payday! earned a total of rm466.66. i thought i would have gotten rm600 from the praise alicia, my boss, have been giving me but oh well ... money is still money :)

other than that, badminton today was great. gary taught me how to smash. but what he said was kinda true, i do have good stamina for a smoker. hehehehe

anyhoo ... another empty day for my off day. ill figure something out.

im off,
rick.

today is somewhat interesting.

woke up late for work, so id rather take an m.c. than go to work late and answering to my boss and all. so yea, an m.c. for today.

so i finally got a chance to finish up all my chores and yes, it was a good day indeed.

fixed up my pc, serviced my car, picked up some mail from pos laju and running errands around.

after that went over to pikky's for dinner which was great as her mum cooked. watched stomp the yard and protege. both good movies. especially protege.

thats that for today. nothing much but its a long day.

rick.

we both know im not over you.

rick.